I'm Allergic To Frowns (a midnight rant)

Hi. My name’s Ainna. I’m 15 and I’m allergic to frowns.

Not a lot of people know about my condition, but I’m well sure there are millions of people who experience the same thing.

First of all, symptoms. It’s what the doctor usually tells you, right?

Well, in this case, nobody needs a doctor. Self-diagnose is the best way (and well, the only way) to know if you’re also allergic to frowns like me.

We have 5 main symptoms here. So, the first symptom is: lack of confidence. If you can’t appreciate yourself for doing what you desired to or being who you really are, then there’s a huge chance that you may be allergic to frowns..

Second symptom, you spend 90% of your life span following rules. Why? Because you don’t want to be the rebellious kid who worries everyone. Their frowns trigger your allergy, remember?

Third, you may be really submissive. You prefer praising then to be praised. You like to be the sinner,  not the saint. At least, it’s what you’re used to be. It’s like the default setting in your body.

It’s not like because you can’t be a good leader. I’m sure people who overthink like the majority of us can be a great leader. Better than most people, actually. Because we want to be the best of them all. And it’s not that we have OCD or something, we just don’t want to annoy people.

The next symptom is: you can’t say no. Does that need any more explanation?

People asking for help → You say no → Frowns!!!

Last symptom: you probably have a lot of mental breakdowns because you’re trying to make everyone happy. This is the worst case scenario :

People asking for help ⟶ You say yes to all of them ↴

⬐You can’t do it right ← You get mental breakdowns

 You annoy people → More frowns!!!

Let’s talk about self experience instead of cures. Because we all know, there is no cure, lol. Story time! Turn the lights off, I’m going to a full hour of rant and sadness here. All eyes on me, NOW.

So I’ve been like this since a long time. I recently spent 3 days in my room, doing things instead of homeworks. Well, I’ve been stressing out about them, so instead of doing it while crying like a baby, I sleep.

“Just let me cry a little bit longer

I ain’t gonna smile if I don’t want to

Hey man, we all can’t be like you

I wish we were all rose-colored too”

I didn’t go out. Maybe less than an hour/day, because I needed to eat (My mom forced me to and I’m glad today I was fasting so no food for me). I also ate in my room, by the way. Bathroom break wasn’t really necessary, except when I took a shower which is only once/day, and when I have to pray. Didn’t pee at all.

“But Ainna, you said that you were doing things! What was that?” You may wonder. Well, I crawl on the floor, listening to the whole Entertainment album by Waterparks, fangirling over how cute Hayley Williams is, painting Lynn Gunn, and cry while wrapped in my blanket. Exactly what I’m doing right now.

The worst thing about staying in my room for 3 days straight is that I’m constantly being reminded about how I screwed up when I look into the mirror. But it feels like home to be this messy.

And when you open my door, you’ll see me. Probably sleeping because that’s the only thing that prevent me from crying. Being a mess. Like your girlfriend who’s been working out in the gym for 5 hours.

Oversleep > Overcry > Being depressed & stressed out

The difference is, I smell better. I smell better because I don’t sweat, I cry. I don’t sweat because I love being in my room with my AC on, crying over the fact that no matter what I do, I can’t please everyone. While all these years I spent most of my time in this earth living up to people’s expectations.

“AC on? Your parents must’ve paid so much! Don’t you pity them?” Oh honey, I do. But if you’re in this situation where you’re caught in the middle (*clears throat* excuse my Paramore loving self for this intentional reference), don’t know how to live properly and also scared to die, you’ll understand how everything just doesn’t matter anymore. You'll feel like a total failure. And knowing that you’re being a burden to your family just makes it more complicated.

“I’m just a little bit caught in the middle,

I tried to keep going but it’s not that simple”

(Gosh, I love After Laughter. Hail to our lords and saviors, Taylor, Zac, and Hayley.)

Before I put another Paramore reference, I gotta MCR- I mean I gotta go and sleep so I can wake up at 3 am to do my homeworks. Anyway March 22 is getting closer, I may as well die once again for My Chem to come back. See y’all in hell.