I'm Allergic To Frowns (a midnight rant)

Hi. My name’s Ainna. I’m 15 and I’m allergic to frowns.

Not a lot of people know about my condition, but I’m well sure there are millions of people who experience the same thing.

First of all, symptoms. It’s what the doctor usually tells you, right?

Well, in this case, nobody needs a doctor. Self-diagnose is the best way (and well, the only way) to know if you’re also allergic to frowns like me.

We have 5 main symptoms here. So, the first symptom is: lack of confidence. If you can’t appreciate yourself for doing what you desired to or being who you really are, then there’s a huge chance that you may be allergic to frowns..

Second symptom, you spend 90% of your life span following rules. Why? Because you don’t want to be the rebellious kid who worries everyone. Their frowns trigger your allergy, remember?

Third, you may be really submissive. You prefer praising then to be praised. You like to be the sinner,  not the saint. At least, it’s what you’re used to be. It’s like the default setting in your body.

It’s not like because you can’t be a good leader. I’m sure people who overthink like the majority of us can be a great leader. Better than most people, actually. Because we want to be the best of them all. And it’s not that we have OCD or something, we just don’t want to annoy people.

The next symptom is: you can’t say no. Does that need any more explanation?

People asking for help → You say no → Frowns!!!

Last symptom: you probably have a lot of mental breakdowns because you’re trying to make everyone happy. This is the worst case scenario :

People asking for help ⟶ You say yes to all of them ↴

⬐You can’t do it right ← You get mental breakdowns

 You annoy people → More frowns!!!

Let’s talk about self experience instead of cures. Because we all know, there is no cure, lol. Story time! Turn the lights off, I’m going to a full hour of rant and sadness here. All eyes on me, NOW.

So I’ve been like this since a long time. I recently spent 3 days in my room, doing things instead of homeworks. Well, I’ve been stressing out about them, so instead of doing it while crying like a baby, I sleep.

“Just let me cry a little bit longer

I ain’t gonna smile if I don’t want to

Hey man, we all can’t be like you

I wish we were all rose-colored too”

I didn’t go out. Maybe less than an hour/day, because I needed to eat (My mom forced me to and I’m glad today I was fasting so no food for me). I also ate in my room, by the way. Bathroom break wasn’t really necessary, except when I took a shower which is only once/day, and when I have to pray. Didn’t pee at all.

“But Ainna, you said that you were doing things! What was that?” You may wonder. Well, I crawl on the floor, listening to the whole Entertainment album by Waterparks, fangirling over how cute Hayley Williams is, painting Lynn Gunn, and cry while wrapped in my blanket. Exactly what I’m doing right now.

The worst thing about staying in my room for 3 days straight is that I’m constantly being reminded about how I screwed up when I look into the mirror. But it feels like home to be this messy.

And when you open my door, you’ll see me. Probably sleeping because that’s the only thing that prevent me from crying. Being a mess. Like your girlfriend who’s been working out in the gym for 5 hours.

Oversleep > Overcry > Being depressed & stressed out

The difference is, I smell better. I smell better because I don’t sweat, I cry. I don’t sweat because I love being in my room with my AC on, crying over the fact that no matter what I do, I can’t please everyone. While all these years I spent most of my time in this earth living up to people’s expectations.

“AC on? Your parents must’ve paid so much! Don’t you pity them?” Oh honey, I do. But if you’re in this situation where you’re caught in the middle (*clears throat* excuse my Paramore loving self for this intentional reference), don’t know how to live properly and also scared to die, you’ll understand how everything just doesn’t matter anymore. You'll feel like a total failure. And knowing that you’re being a burden to your family just makes it more complicated.

“I’m just a little bit caught in the middle,

I tried to keep going but it’s not that simple”

(Gosh, I love After Laughter. Hail to our lords and saviors, Taylor, Zac, and Hayley.)

Before I put another Paramore reference, I gotta MCR- I mean I gotta go and sleep so I can wake up at 3 am to do my homeworks. Anyway March 22 is getting closer, I may as well die once again for My Chem to come back. See y’all in hell.

Night Mime (Lyrics, Original Song)

First post in 2018!!! I'm back and currently busy. Yep, can't believe I'm back to posting things that nobody will read again, wow. But yeah, last night I got an inspiration after writing an article about how the government sucks for a competition, and 2 drama scripts for English and history class. My phone is being ridiculous and things like songs, poems, and the fan fictions I wrote got deleted without me knowing. So I thought "Well why don't try post it on my blog? It's not like people's gonna see anyway,". And here I am, posting this before it gets deleted from my phone.

N i g h t  M i m e  (original song)

Oh, dear night mime
Put a side of your brain into a dark blue jar
Oh, dear night mime
Won't you let anyone see what's on your mind?

Bright sky, colorful haze
Dark eyes, illuminating gaze

It's such a shame that it's only a dream
Yeah, it's such a shame that it's not real

You cry, when the morning comes
Then you lie, when the sun goes

That you've been feeling alright all the time
Why can't you let all your thoughts fly?

Oh, dear night mime
Put a side of your brain into a dark blue jar
Oh, dear night mime
Won't you let anyone see what's on your mind?

They say the loneliest people
Are the ones that smile so bright

I could say it's true, 'cause you're shining at midnight
Yet your soul is still darker than the middle of ocean

Where are your happy thoughts?
What you love has turned to dust

Hung on the wall, covered with a new wallpaper
Go outside, burn the house into ashes

Oh, dear night mime
Put a side of your brain into a dark blue jar
Oh, dear night mime
Won't you let anyone see what's on your mind?

Put on your mask, cover your frown
Hide all the scars under your night gown
Don't let them in, into your mind
Turn all the mirrors around

So you can't see your face
And all the games that you can't ace
And when the morning comes
You'll be hiding behind the sunshine

Oh, dear night mime
Put a side of your brain into a dark blue jar
Oh, dear night mime
Won't you let anyone see what's on your mind?

Oh, dear night mime
Put a side of your brain into a dark blue jar
Oh, dear night mime
Won't you let me see what's on your pretty mind?



I WISH I HAVE A RECORDED VERSION OF THIS.
I wrote this with my ukulele beside of me. And I can't sing for heaven's sake. I was too lazy to get out of my room to play keyboard, and I wish my dad would buy me a bass even though he said that "bass is for boys!" like he hasn't seen Lyn-z Way, or Nicole Rich. OH, and I wish my mom would stop lying about getting me an electric guitar BECAUSE I DON'T WANT AN ACOUSTIC ONE. Honestly how could they let their daughter play Kick Me by Sleeping With Sirens with a ukulele, then letting her get an acoustic guitar to make it even worse? That's a disgrace to Jack Fowler. Yep, I'm ranting again, sorry not sorry. That's all. Ainna's out. Bye.

judgements and insecurities

Hiiiiiiii

I honestly don't know what I'm doing here, really. But I've been taking a break from Instagram, where I go everytime I need to rant over something because I love when people see my Instagram stories, or Snapgrams, or whatever you call it, I feel like people are listening to what I feel or think about something lol. So now I'm just gonna write it down here because this thing called blog is pretty empty and boring and I don't want to seem like I only made this blog just for my school projects.

Kay that's a good (jk) long intro. Let's get into the rant because why tf not (I don't know if I can curse or nah here I hope my teacher doesn't see this lol)

So I've been dealing with my insecurities for a long time now and I want to share anything about it here. I remember the first time I felt insecure. It was on grade 2, when my teacher asked us all about our dreams, what we want to be in the future.

She asked me, "So, what do you want to be?"
And I, being my dreamy self, answered, "I want to be an astronaut!". That's because I really loved this one book I got on my 6th birthday, about outer space and earth, and pretty much everything about the world. I was really interested about it.
AND THEN SHE LOOKED AT ME, TRYING TO HOLD HER LAUGH.
She said, "There's no way you're gonna be an astronaut!" And laughed at me. And the whole class laughed at me too. YES THEY DID THAT.
And you know what? I lost it. All my dreams. No more happy face. It's like a frown was painted on my face with permanent marker. It's never gone and that's the time when I know I'll never be the same anymore.

I just realized that those simple words damaged my whole self when I was 14. I remembered, then I started to think. That was a stupid move. There's no way someone could be that cruel, breaking a 7 years old's dreams, ruining her soul, making her insecure until the end of her life.

What's a teacher to do? Is that a right thing? No. She might think I was so stupid because I was a kid so I would just forget about it and go play with my friends, but I didn't. I don't think I would ever do that.

That story of a bit- I mean my teacher *coughs*, has a big connection with the other stories that I wrote down below.

Now get Hermione Granger's time turner, we're going to 2015.

*Weird time turner noises*

So I was 13. My dad and his co-workers were on a holiday (it was like an office event actually) and they were allowed to bring their families so my mom and I were going too.

I was so unaware and dumb, really. I would lose my things on the bus and people would find it somewhere else. That time, I lost my purse. I didn't really lose it though, it just went under the seat and I knew it, and I can't reach it so my dad told the driver to place it on the seat so I can find it the next day.

Skip to the next day, we were going to have a breakfast at the hotel. I was in the elevator with my parents and my dad's co-workers. They mocked me like "Oh no I lost my purse!" and laughed and I felt really uncomfortable. I was like, "These b*tches better stop talking before I lose my sh*t"

HOW DARE THEY. I felt really stupid and insecure. I felt like I just wanna disappear and never come back, lol.

Oh, and they would always stare at me everytime I wear something different, like they wore heels and I was just sitting there with my boots. That's so stupid, really.

Now go the present time.

I hate dealing with people like that. The ones that would always laugh at you. And the ones that would stare, mentally judging you like they're saying "Look at you, you look so stupid!" telepathically.

I can't just ignore that. I would be really uncomfortable and just feel like I wanna bippity boppity back the f*ck away lmao.

The thing is, now I'm debating with my own self because I'll be going somewhere (uhh, where 5SOS and Tonight Alive are from lmao) very soon (again, office event) and I don't want things like that happen for the 942484274th time.

My dad gave me a list of what should we bring and there's some things that is I must say, different, from my usual style. Like beanies. I don't think I would look great with them. Plus, my dad's boss said to him to bring me some shorts because we're going to a beach and NOBODY WANTS TO LOOK EMO AT THE BEACH. Who gave you the idea to wear black jeans at a beach? MCR is dead so is 2007 emos. It's over, dudes. You all can go home now *Pete Wentz voice*.

Okay back, I don't want to be judged. I've never been judged verbally, always mentally. And you know, the majority of people in my country are Muslims, so just try to wear shorts at public places. People would stare, lol.

So being different, like wearing something uncommon, will obviously make people stare at you and they will make you feel like something is wrong with you. Try dealing with that thing for days. I don't even think I would survive getting attentions I never wanted for hours.

I don't want them to mock me again. I don't even want to go. Well, I should, though. My dad paid for all the things and there's nothing I can do. And for the beanie, he bought me one too and I bet my mom would yell at me if I don't wear that.

So soon, I'm going to deal with the b*tchy co-workers again and I will try to ignore it. Please wish me luck.

That's all from this rosé child (stupid fact: I don't even drink wine. Only once, and I don't even know it was rosé wine. Tastes so good, I must say. Will never drink again bc I don't wanna be a S-I-N-N-E-R)

❤️

Perempuan Yang Merubah Segalanya (IND)

Hai!


Ada begitu banyak pahlawan yang memperjuangkan negara saya, Indonesia. Mari kita bicara tentang satu. Dia adalah pahlawan yang paling menginspirasi saya. Saya mengaguminya.

Siapa dia?
Dia Raden Ajeng Kartini, yang terkenal dengan Kartini. Dia adalah wanita pertama yang berani memperjuangkan kesetaraan jenis kelamin di negeri ini.

Kartini lahir pada tanggal 21 April 1879. Keluarganya adalah keluarga aristokrat Jawa. Dia diizinkan untuk belajar di ELS (Europese Lagere School) sampai dia berusia 12 tahun. Di sanalah dia belajar berbahasa Belanda. Sayangnya, dia tidak bisa melanjutkan sekolahnya seperti saudara laki-lakinya karena dia harus tinggal di rumah (dipingit) sampai ia menikah. Itu adalah salah satu aturan ketat bagi wanita Jawa seusianya saat itu.

Karena kemampuannya untuk berbahasa Belanda, dia mulai belajar sendiri di rumah. Dia juga mulai menulis surat untuk teman-teman Belandanya. Salah satunya adalah Rosa Abendanon, yang merupakan pendukung terbesarnya.

Kartini terinspirasi oleh buku, koran dan majalah Belanda. Dia kagum dengan pola pikir wanita Eropa. Pola pikirnya begitu berbeda, wanita Eropa begitu pintar dan berpendidikan. Itulah saat dia mulai berpikir bahwa dia tidak pantas diperlakukan seburuk itu. Tidak juga untuk semua wanita di Indonesia.

Sejak itu, Kartini mulai menulis surat tentang hak perempuan dan masalah sosial seperti kemiskinan. Dia mencoba mengirimkan kreasinya ke majalah Belanda bernama De Hollandsche Lelie, tapi sayangnya, semuanya ditolak.

Pada tahun 1903, Kartini yang berusia 24 tahun disuruh oleh orang tuanya untuk menikah dengan walikota Rembang, K.R.M. Adipati Aryo Singgih Djojo Adhiningrat, yang sudah menikah dan memiliki 3 istri. Kartini sebenarnya menolak poligami, karena melihat kondisi ibunya yang juga dipoligami. Tetapi pada akhirnya ia menuruti keiinginan orang tuanya dan mengorbankan kepentingan orang banyak walaupun ia merasa mengkhianati dirinya sendiri. Hal ini dikecam oleh salah satu teman penanya, Stella Zeehandelaar, yang berpaham sosialis. Walaupun rasa rasionalitasnya menyetujui pikiran Stella, tetap saja Kartini tidak bisa melakukannya.

Kabar baik datang setelah dia menikah. Suaminya mendukung tindakannya dan dia mendapat kebebasan untuk membangun sebuah sekolah untuk wanita. Karena kegigihannya, sekolah lain dibangun satu demi satu di berbagai kota. Sekolah-sekolah itu disebut "Sekolah Kartini".

Setelah kematian Kartini, Mr. J.H. Abendanon mengumpulkan semua surat Kartini yang ditolak dan membukukannya. Untuk saat ini, buku ini dikenal dengan sebutan "Habis Gelap Terbitlah Terang". Buku ini menarik perhatian orang, karena pola pikir Kartini. Hal ini mengubah keseluruhan perspektif tentang bagaimana wanita Indonesia sebenarnya.

Pikiran Kartini juga menginspirasi begitu banyak wanita, termasuk saya. Semua yang dia tulis tentang hak perempuan dan bagaimana setiap orang seharusnya diperlakukan dengan cara yang sama dan bukan karena jenis kelaminnya, membuat saya mengaguminya. Beliau mengubah segalanya tentang kesetaraan gender di negara ini.


Masalahnya, terkadang orang tidak mengerti arti kesetaraan. Ada orang yang masih berpikir bahwa pria lebih baik dari wanita di negeri ini. Ini menyedihkan. Ini seperti pikiran Kartini yang begitu pintar tidak penting.

Ya, Kartini memperjuangkan hak-hak perempuan. Tapi persamaan yang dia perjuangkan bukanlah semacam misandry (berpikir bahwa perempuan lebih tinggi derajatnya dibanding laki - laki). Dia bertarung agar wanita juga bisa berada di tempat yang lebih tinggi, yaitu tempat yang sama dengan pria. Dia bertarung jadi kita semua bisa mempunyai derajat yang sama. Jadi wanita bisa melakukan apa yang pria bisa lakukan, dan sebaliknya.

Kesetaraan gender itu penting. Tidak hanya untuk orang Indonesia, tapi juga bagi dunia. Kita perlu menjadikan dunia ini tempat yang lebih baik bagi kita semua, di mana setiap orang bisa menyesuaikan diri dan tidak ada yang tertinggal.

Bagaimana?
Salah satunya adalah dengan menghormati. Tidak hanya wanita, tapi juga pria. Bertindak seperti kita semua sama saja. Jangan takut untuk berbicara hanya karena Anda seorang wanita. Angkatlah suaramu. Kita adalah apa yang kita butuhkan di dunia ini. Kita semua bisa menjadi Kartini berikutnya yang mengubah segalanya, apalagi saat kita bersama. Kita dapat mengubah dunia.

The Woman That Changed Everything (ENG)

Hi!


There are so many heroes that fought for my country, Indonesia. Let's talk about one. She's the hero that inspired me the most. I adore her.

Her name is Raden Ajeng Kartini, well known as Kartini. She was the first woman that bravely fought for gender equality.

Kartini was born on April 21, 1879. Her family was an aristocratic Javanese family. She was allowed to study on ELS (Europese Lagere School) until she was 12 years old. She learned how to speak Dutch there. Unfortunately, she couldn't continue her study like her brothers because she should stay at home until she gets married. It was one of the strict rules for Javanese girls her age that time.

Because of her ability to speak Dutch, she started to study on her own at home. She also started to write letters for her Dutch friends. One of them was Rosa Abendanon, who was her biggest supporter. 

Kartini was inspired by Dutch books, newspapers and magazines. She was amazed by the mindset of European women. The mindset was so different, European women were so smart, well educated. That was the time she started to think that she didn't deserve to be treated that bad. Nor were every women in Indonesia.

Since then, Kartini started to write letters about women rights and social problems like poorness. She tried to send her creations to a Dutch magazine called De Hollandsche Lelie, but sadly, they were rejected.

On 1903, the 24 years old Kartini was told by her parents to get married to the mayor of Rembang, K.R.M. Adipati Aryo Singgih Djojo Adhiningrat, who was already married and had 3 wives. She actually was against poligamy because she knew her father's life, who was in a poligamy relationship with her mother and another woman that she called "Mama". She obeyed her parents though, even though she felt like betraying her own self. Her decision made her penpal, Stella Zeehandelaar, mad. Stella couldn't understand why Kartini sacrificed her own dream to help others in order to live her parents' will. Even though she agreed with Stella's thought, Kartini knew she couldn't do it.

Good news came after she got married. Her husband supported her acts and she got the freedom to build a school for women. Because of her persistence, other schools were build one by one on different cities. The schools were called "The School of Kartini".

After Kartini's death, Mr. J.H. Abendanon collected all Kartini's rejected letters and made it into a book. For now, the book is known as "Habis Gelap Terbitlah Terang", which is translated into "After Darkness, Here Comes The Light". The book attracted people, because of Kartini's mindset. This changed the whole perspective of how Indonesian women truly was. 

Kartini's thoughts also inspired so many women, including me. All that she wrote about women's right and how everyone should've be treated the same way and not because of the genders, made me adore her. She changed everything about gender equality in this country.


The thing is, sometimes people just can't understand what equality means. There are people that still think that men is better than women in this country. This is sad. It's like Kartini's beautiful thoughts never mattered. 

Yes, Kartini fought for women's rights. But the equality she brought is not a kind of misandry. She fought so women can also be in higher place, which is the same as men's place. She fought so we're all can be in the same place. So women can do what men can do, and vice versa.

Gender equality is important. Not only for Indonesians, but for the world. We need to make the world to be a better place for us all, where everyone can fit in and nobody gets left behind. 

How?
One of the way is to respect. Not only women, but men. Act like we're all the same. Don't be afraid to speak just because you're a woman. Raise your voice. We are what we need in this world. We all can be the next Kartini who changed everything, especially when we're all together. We can change the world.

Hi.

Um idk what to say (for now) but I'm gonna post 2 entries, (maybe tomorrow?) one will be in English and the other will be in Indonesian. They're for my history project, lol.

That's it, bye lmao.